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Hapless Planter – Ep9: Marcus’s fight for survival

Hapless Planter – Ep9: Marcus’s fight for survival

Marcus is fine, fine I tell you! Sure, he’s trying out a new look, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t at his best. 

See, here he is kicking back after a long day:

Then applying good ol’ SPF to protect himself from going crispy:

Oh, and hanging out with a plant that’s EQUALLY HEALTHY:

Told ya. Fine.

I finally split Britney up, which let me tell you, was no easy task. Especially when you have a vague recollection of how to do it and instead of researching, decide to just feel it out.

I did learn a new term – root bound – when the roots outgrow the pot, often circling it. There were three very tangled plants in there. And I split them up like a heartless bitch.

It took forever and I became increasingly careless. But they were super chill about it. There’s probably an easier/more intelligent method but I’m just not one for like, being informed, so I just dusted off soil with my fingers for AGES.

And I potted up my toms. Which was another task I looked forward to but turned out to be a monotonous black hole. At least I have 48 tomatoes. That’s right – all the tomatoes I could ever want and more. Now who’s the loser? Definitely not me, that’s for sure. 

You’re supposed to grow a few in each cell, then kill off the weaker ones, but I COULDN’T DO IT. I kill plants accidentally all the time, I don’t want to do it on purpose as well. So they all got a pot, even the weedy, diddy ones. Pro life!

I’m trying out biodegradable pots so I can bosh them straight into grow bags when they’re hench. I’m also giving them away willy nilly, because apparently this volume of tomatoes is ‘ridiculous’ and ‘madness-inducing’. 

Salsa. Chutney. Puree. Paste. Vodka. Ketchup.

Need I say more?

Instead of chucking away the seed soil in the trays, I just threw some butternut squash, courgette and pea seeds in and started again. Surprisingly, this hasn’t really worked. Most of them have said nope. As for the new shoots, I don’t really know what they are as they’ve evidently been jumping around like it’s all just a bit of a laugh. There’s also a lovely green algae – which I guess does mean technically I’ve grown something?

I’ve been potting up my first round of propagated plants – spiders and tradescantia (which is the plant for you if you want the giddy thrill of a quick growing, quick rooting legend):

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It was super hard to get the spider’s legs out of the way when planting, as by this point I’d lost most of the sensation in my hands.

Potting up on this level is only really advisable if you’ve got no life, aren’t prone to back pain, don’t feel the cold and just want to feel, for one second, that there’s a purpose to getting up in the morning.

If that sounds like you – go for it kid.

I treated myself to some unrooted cuttings from this etsy shop – Brasil Pothos and Philodendron Micans, which are getting there:

And took a crappy cutting from the giant monstera monkey leaf I was gifted – it’s grown a new, healthy leaf since being in water. My plan is to pot it up so my friend gets a smaller version of her original plant (which her baby kept pushing over – sounds like my HP prodigy).

I’ve also started adding this houseplant food to water once a month and I’ve got new leaves all over the shop. 

Anyway, better go ask Marcus if he has any last words.

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